Monday, June 14, 2010

Time is nothing anymore

It seems that time is nothing. It seems that minutes turn into hours and hours turn into days that turn into weeks. It ticks by. I have talked to my man once today. I also found out that he was finally transferred from the jail in Arizona and on his way back to this state, which is great, except I don't know where he is. I have to call every day to see if I can find out. And I will tell you, the damn phone systems these jails use is absolutely outrageous!! The money you have to put into them and the frustrations you go through, Jesus! It really sucks! I am now looking at closing one phone accont that I just put like $50 into and having to wait 6-8 weeks for a refund for that because they do not service the jail he is going to be in. It realllly really sucks and is so frustrating.
I found a great website, called Prison Talk Online. It looks like it will be helpful. We will see. I guess I am just looking for moral support and I want support for him as well. I miss him so much. I want to get married right away. I have thought about it. I am getting Crazy tattooed on me as well. It has a private meaning between the two of us so we will see when I can get it done. I think he will like it.
It seems to be a long week already and it is only Monday. What to do, what to do. pool league tomorrow so that will help some. Well, probably not, I will still just be worrying about him. Everything is just a whirlwind right now. I just want to see him and be in his arms.

Sunday, June 13, 2010

Becoming a Prison Wife

Two days ago, my world ended. My fiance (boyfriend for 16 months, fiance for two days) got arrested and taken away from me. Brad is on probation. Not just state probation, federal probation. We took a semi load of beer down to Arizona. he is a truckdriver by career, sometimes I go with him. This weekend was special. My high school reunion was in Las Vegas. Friends I had not seen in almost 20 years, including my best friend, Cindi. My brother lives in Colorado with his girlfriend and my new niece, Tehya. We were going to see them for sure, vegas was a maybe, as we did not know about timing and about a load coming home. After we found out our load goign home was picking up down in nogales on the Mexican border, we decided maybe we should hop over and do some cheap shopping across the border adn then head to Colorado. The reunion was crossed off the list. I was so excited to go see my brother, I had not seen him in about 6 years. Getting loaded that day took FOREVER. We didn't get finished until about 8 or 9 PM. Mexico got crossed off the list. The weekend was becoming a disappointment. Backing up to the beginning of the trip, on the way down through Illinois, we stopped off in Springfield where he had to take a UA (drug screen) for his probation officer. He tested positive. My heart fell to the floor. we both knew that if he had one more positive, the judge had said he would be revoked automatically and go back to prison. I cried. I sobbed. He sobbed and apologized. Now what was going to happen? So we continued on our trip. he talked to his probation officer, who was less that pleased of course, and he asked if we were coming home. Brad said no, we were delivering the load and would be home Tuesday. Off we went. Back to Mexico. That evening, after we picked up our load, we were pulled over for some worn red tape and a little light out on the side of the truck. They ran Brads name and asked him to step out of the truck and back by their car.I was scared. I didn't know what to think. They were taking forever. One of the police officers came back to my door and told me that Brad was being arrested. My heart just dropped. Why? What's going to happen to him? What about me, what do I do? Well, they called a towing company to come and tow the semi and full load of grapes. I had the pleasant job of calling his boss and telling him what was going on. They also told me I was pretty much on my own. I had to fend for myself and find my own way home to Wisconsin without Brad. I was crushed. I cried. I packed what I could in ten minutes, as the taxi was waiting for me and they had already taken my fiance away in handcuffs. Why the probation officer put out a warrant, we still don't know. Fast forward a few minutes - I took a taxi to the closest airport, in Tucson. Cost me $150. The airport was pretty much closed down. Ticket counters were closed. Shops and cafes were closed. the only people there were cleaning people and security guards. I found a couch and sat down. I cried some more. I felt so alone and so lost. I felt betrayed and let down. I was sad and grief stricken and mad and scared. I wanted to get home so bad. I wanted to talk to Brad and find out what the hell was going on. I got out my notebook and started writing him a letter. I cried some more. Exhaustion finally took over and I laid down and slept for a bit. I got a phone call in the early hours of the morning from one of the police officers to check on me to see that I made it ok. I had. Was I doing ok? Mentally and emotionally, hell no but physically I was cold and tired but I was ok. Brad finally called me about 5 AM collect. I was so happy to hear from him. He was tired and exhausted and worried sick about me. He felt bad because he had let me and a bunch of other people, including himself, down. He knew he was in trouble and that this could be the end for a long time. We cried together. We missed each other. that day I finally got a flight out to Phoenix. My next flight, home to Milwaukee, did not leave until 7 PM that night. I had 10 hours to waste in the airport, all alone. I was not hungry. Food was the last thing on my mind. I talked to brad throughout the day here and there. Each phone call was $10 so we knew it was going to be expensive. I slept a few times on benches. I sat and watched. I walked around. I slept some more. I finally ate come chicken strips and fries. A little. I was still not hungry. I talked to his boss, his mom, my mom and my friends. I wrote more and more in the letter I had started him, although I think most of the stuff I wrote in the letter, I told him on the phone. It was a long long exhausting day. The flight of course was late. I almost didn't have a seat because they way oversold the seats. That would have just been great and just my luck. FINALLY on the plane home to Milwaukee. I knew Brad was still down in arizona. He was emotional. he was tired. He was shaky because they did not let him smoke and he was a two pack a day guy. He was sorry, he was hurt, he was everything I was. We needed each other and we wanted to be together.
Brads mother picked me up at the airport at 1 AM. I got home at 330 AM. I was mentally unglued and just exhausted beyond all acknowledgement. I was pulled over twice. Once because I think they were actually looking for Brad and once because I flew into town going 40 in a 25 because well, I was a few blocks away from my bed and I didnt care. I got a warning. I got home, brought the bags inthe house, kicked off my shoes, changed clothes and crashed hard.
Brad called this morning a couple times. We talked about things to come. He will be extradited to Wisconsin this week. From there he will talk to his probation officer and his supervisor and they will decide where he is going from there. We do know that whatever happens, he won't be coming home for a while, which tears me up inside. The options are: 1) that they just revoke him immediately and he goes right to jail, no bond, no nothing 2) they keep him in jail until court and the judge gets to deicde what to do with him 3) he goes into drug treatment, which is what he is asking for 4) he gets out on bond and waits until court and then gets revoked or goes to treatment.
At home, there is a whole income that is now gone. He cannot drive the semi anymore until he completes rehab. So all we live on now is my meager income of waitressing and some child support. Brad does have a few paychecks left, which will help immensely. I now have to stand up for both of us. I have to work and bring in the income. I have to watch and raise and discipline the kids, clean the house, pay the bills, fix the broken things, clean up the yard, and at the same time, keep my sanity, be strong for myself and for Brad. I have to take life day by day and be here for him and for both of us.
The tears come and go uncontrollably. All the sudden, they will just well up hard for no reason and spill over. Once in a while I can stop them but more often than not, they flow down my cheeks. I have looked over the budget and swallowed the lump in my throat. I have thought about what in the hell I was going to do with the motorcycle we have to pay for every month that I will not be able to afford. What am I going to do those nights when they get longer and longer. How am I going to cope without him here? I found a nonactive blog of a prison wife and foudn some tips from her. Brad tells me this is going to be the hardest thing I ever do in my entire life. It probably is. He want's to get married right away. It is a security issue for him. He wants me to have his name and he wants me to be his and not so reluctant to run and leave him if we were married. I have promised him and assured him that I would be here. Even though my mother is trying to get me to rethink and straighen out my life and run now. Even though one of my best friends is overly pissed at me and cannot support me in this decision at all and doesn't really want to talk to me about it. Even though no one else in the world except his family and a few friends of mine actually support this decision, I have decided to stay by his side. Even harder now, I am doing it by myself, with no help from my family or friends because I choose to be his wife. I may go get the damn marraige license this week and get married just to spite everyone. To show them that I am serious.
I wish someone would make it easy for prisoners to call their loved ones. They have to call collect. each call on my cell phone is ten bucks. Two cell phones, at 5 calls each, that is $100 already. SO there is a system called the Correctional Billing Services. You set up an account with them and then the inmate calls and the money is taken out of the account. To set up the account, it is a minimum deposit of $25. Ok fine. then it is $3.95 every time you accept a call from them and then $0.89 a minute after that. PLUS tax. DON'T forget the damn tax. So I set this all up adn he called. One call, one 15 minute phone call cost me $20.14. He called twice and my account went negative. I tried an online check payment, it denied. I tried the debit card again, denied. Here, because I had already made a payment and already tried a few different times, they blocked my account for security purposes. Now he can't call me at all tonight which really sucks. Our voices calm each other down. I miss him terribly. So I sent a payment via Western Union. That takes 6 to 8 hours to get on the account plus the block won't be lifted for another 24 hours, so I cannot talk to him until after 430 tomorrow. This is driving me nuts. I did find another company that takes care of inmate calls where they give you a local phone number but I can't do that until he gets back to Wisconsin sometime this week.
So the waiting starts. The grieving, the reality of being without him. I can't wait until he gets transferred to somewhere in Wisconsin so I can see him. I am going to visit the very first chance I get. My kids just came home from their dads from the weekend and they are downstairs on the computer and watching tv. It is quiet in the house. It is lonely. I don't think anyone understands how much Brad means to me and how much I really want to be with him. My children are not in favor of us being married either and that would make my world if they were ok with it. If they came up and said mom...I know you love Brad and he loves you. If this is what makes you happy, then I am going to support it, for you. That would make me the happiest mom in the whole rotten world.
I guess one thing that I hate is when people judge Brad because they know he uses drugs. He has a problem. He isn't a bad person. He is a good person. He just needs to focus life on different areas than he does.
Time to step up and be strong and stop feeling sorry for myself. I now have to be the man and the woman of the house. Time for my son to step up and be a man and help mom and my daughter to help out too. I love my kids and I love brad and I will be damned if this is going to break any part of my family up. And hear come the tears again....

Lost, confused, alone and scared - trying to be strong - a new prisonwife..